Today’s douchebag is a group of people trying to suck other people’s wallets dry. Here’s how I came to that conclusion. One night my Adam and I went to a Sting/Paul Simon concert. It was at the Amway Center which is where the Orlando Magic play basketball. But sadly they don’t win very often so there’s very little magic happening in that arena. Adam is a big Paul Simon fan, this was his 6th time seeing him live, which is nothing compared to how many times he’s seen Bruce Springsteen. He’s seen “The Boss” play about 25 times. And he’s not even from Jersey. He’s one of those fans that knows every word to every song and sings at an inappropriately loud volume. I always think, by singing so loudly you actually drown out the guy’s voice you paid $200 to hear.  It makes no sense to me, but a lot of things don’t make sense to me. Like Paris Hilton. Does she really talk like a whiny 4 year old or is that her ‘stage voice?”  It hurts my ears. Sorry Paris, NOT hot. You know what else makes no sense to me? Why do we say, “a pair of pants” when we’re only referring to one pair of pants? Yeah, there are 2 leg holes, but we don’t say, “I really need a new pair of legs holes.” Has anyone else ever thought about that? Probably not. But now you will. You’re welcome.

So about halfway through the concert we were thirsty so we went to buy water. The woman said to us, “I just want to let you know first that a bottle of water (small bottle mind you) is $6.75. I’m like, what!?!  Is the water blessed by the Pope or something?  (Side note, I do really dig this current Pope, he’s a very cool Pope as far as Popes go) Anyway, the woman was very nice to warn me before I actually purchased it, but I was really thirsty. I started to go on my rant about how ridiculous it was, Adam just wanted to get back into the concert so he said he’d actually pay double what the water cost for me to stop talking and just take the damn bottle.  Over the years he probably would’ve paid a small fortune for me to stop talking in various situations.  I did get one question in which was, who’s responsible for jacking up the price?  The woman said it was the concert promoters who often consult with the artists themselves. That’s when I got pissed.  You mean to tell me Sting and Paul Simon think it’s ok to charge almost 7 bucks for a bottle of water?  Does Sting need the money for extra yoga mats?  Maybe he wants to get in even better shape so he can have tantric sex for 4 days straight instead of 3!  And does Paul Simon need the cash to put higher lifts in his shoes?  I swear, I don’t know how tall he is but on stage he looked about 4’ 10”.  At best.

All that aside, the concert was great. And if Sting is using the extra money for yoga mats, at least it’s working. He makes 60 look like it really is the new 30. You could bounce a quarter off his ass.

But whoever’s responsible for this inexcusable thirst thievery, you are the douchebag of the day.