I have satellite radio in my car which I love. My favorite thing of course is Howard Stern since I’m a superfan.  But since I often have my daughter in the car, listening to High-pitch Eric (a member of the whack pack) talk about his masterbation techniques is clearly not appropriate. All that aside, if you haven’t listened to Howard Stern interview a celebrity, you’re seriously missing out.  I used to hook my phone up to Bluetooth and play Lily all her kids songs.  Then one day I hit a wall. It was late in the day, about 184 degrees outside (with humidity) and I was severely bloated.  ‘Old MacDonald had a farm’ came on for the 3rd time that day, and as soon as the ‘oink oink here’ started, I lost it. It’s strange, I made it through the sheep and the cow just fine, but something about that pig made me go postal. I immediately shut off the music, much to Lily’s dismay, and told her that my phone was broken so we had to listen to the radio.  She eventually accepted it and when an old favorite Elton John song came on 70’s on 7, I was elated.

While I’m a fan of many of the satellite channels, my very favorite is channel 17, also known as ‘Love.’  They play every cheesy love song you could ever imagine and I can’t get enough.  Some might find it odd that I enjoy listening to a parody song about Robin’s size EE breasts on the Howard Stern show as much as I love listening to Barry Manilow sing ‘Mandy.’  But rather than odd, I see it as well-rounded.  When it comes to these love songs, for me, the cheesier the better.  I find nothing more comforting and cathartic than singing at the top of my lungs along to ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ by Bette Midler, or ‘Three Times a Lady’ by Lionel Richie.  And then there’s probably my very favorite, ‘If you say my eyes are beautiful’. Yes, it’s a male/female duet sung by the late, great Whitney Houston, and the not really that great, Jermaine Jackson.  On a 1-10 cheese factor scale, it’s a 96.  It’s genius.

So today when I went to put on my Love station, there was a James Taylor song playing. I really didn’t think much of it, it was a slow song that I guess could fall into the ‘Love’ category. But once that song ended, another James Taylor song started playing. That was just weird, in all my listening I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a James Taylor song on this station at all.  When the third James Taylor song came on I started to panic, what the hell was going on?!?!  After the third song ended, the DJ came on and thanked us listeners for tuning into ‘James Taylor radio’. What?!?!  Imagine you went to Whole Foods and suddenly they started only selling say, red peppers. Red peppers are fine, but what if that was all you could get?  No carrots, no pasta, no mini waffles!  Like red peppers, James Taylor is fine once in a while, but I want my Neil Diamond, Air Supply, and Captain and Tennille!  Anyway, after my panic set in, the DJ went on to say that the channel would be dedicated to James Taylor for a month, then it would go back to being ‘Love’. I immediately felt a sense of relief that I would once again here Barbra Streisand sing, ‘The way we were’ and therapeutically bawl my eyes out.  If that song doesn’t make you at least tear up you’re made of stone.

Today’s douchebag is the person at Sirius satellite radio who decided to pull this stunt. You’re lucky it’s only for a month or I would’ve come after you. With a bat.