You know how you describe a sneaky, dishonest person who will totally screw you over a “snake in the grass?” Well, today’s douchebag is not that, it’s literally…a snake in the grass. Swamp life strikes again. I was sitting out back doing some writing since the weather finally turned and you can sit outside without feeling like you’re suffocating. So I’m on my laptop, and for whatever reason I looked up only to spot this latest intruder. Now, admittedly, I am a person who does not do well with this type of wildlife, but here is an official definition of a snake…

Snakes are elongated, legless, carnivorous reptiles of the suborder Serpentes that can be distinguished from legless lizards by their lack of eyelids and external ears.

I’m sorry, I don’t care if you’re a herpetologist (yes, I had to look it up and it’s a person who studies reptiles and amphibians. I know, it seems as if it would involve herpes. Don’t ask me why, I also looked up whether or not snakes can get herpes and they can. So I guess a herpetologist can kill 2 birds with one stone) Anyway, my point is that even if you’re someone who chooses to make a living studying snakes, the above definition just doesn’t sound appealing. They made a movie with Samuel L. Jackson called “Snakes on a Plane.” Notice they didn’t go with “Raccoons on a plane,” or “Beavers on a Plane.” Well, that would be an entirely different genre. They went with snakes because the idea was for it to be scary, and snakes are scary, not to mention slimy and they slither. In addition, any animal that is rope-like in shape is frankly too bizarre for me to wrap my head around. And speaking of wrapping around, some snakes wrap themselves tightly around their prey in order to kill it. I’m claustrophobic just thinking about it.

As soon as I saw the snake in my yard, I sent the pic to 2 of my friends that have been here longer and are more familiar with the creatures that surrounds us. They said they didn’t think this specific snake was venomous, but nonetheless agreed it was very unsettling. One of my friends told me that if I see any more snakes I need to call “Critter Jim.” If you want to pursue a career in critters, surely this is the place to do it. While clearly I could never have been “Critter Hope,” I could very well have been “Fritter Hope.” Let’s face it, you could fry up a keychain in the right batter and it would taste good.

Ssssssssssorry snake, you’ve slithered your way into the title of today’s douchebag of the day.