Today’s douchebag is Hallmark. I don’t even know if they’re fully to blame, but at least partially since my issue today revolves around what are known as “Hallmark holidays.”  They’ve gotten this name obviously because Hallmark makes a big deal every time they roll around. My issue isn’t so much with them making a big deal, it’s more about the timing. Although I think we could do without Valentines Day.  If you’re single, it makes you feel lonely, if you have someone it can put pressure on the relationship and inevitably you go out to dinner and over-pay for a piece of overcooked fish.  There are those people who say everyday should be like valentines day.  Clearly they live in some fantasy land where people shit rainbows, ride unicorns, and believe the tooth fairy is real.  I don’t live in that land, hence everyday is not Valentines Day. And I’m fine with that because if it was, I might have to shave my legs everyday and frankly that’s too much effort.

Here’s an example of my issue. It’s the beginning of January. We finally got through all the Merry Xmas messaging, mistletoe, and Mariah Carey singing in ill-fitting gowns.  I will admit, I do like her “All I want for Christmas” song, but all I want for Christmas next year Mariah is for you to put your tits away.  Anyway, we finally get past all that holiday excess, and what are we immediately faced with?  More holiday excess.  But this time in the form of hearts, chocolates, and heart shaped chocolates. It’s a month and a half before the damn “holiday” and already everything’s red. I find it not so coincidental that red signals both love and bloodshed.

So finally all the flowers have been delivered, and before they even have a chance to die…..here come the bunnies.  But before you bust out your bonnet, Easter isn’t for almost 2 months!  Another example of Hallmark jumping the gun. And for the record, I know people like those Cadbury cream eggs, but personally I think the inside looks like semen. Sorry to whomever’s Easter I just ruined.

And one last example, When Labor Day weekend ends, you’re feeling bummed that the summer is over and suddenly you’re being forced to decide whether to be a slutty cat or a slutty devil for Halloween. The reality is you have 8 weeks to decide, but they make you feel like if you don’t purchase your slutty cat ears soon, some other slut will beat you to it.  Then you’re barely recovered from your Halloween hangover and guess what starts up again?  The Christmas crap.  Bah fuckin humbug my friends.

Hallmark, and whoever else is responsible for this untimely excess of everything, you are today’s douchebag of the day.

Today’s douchebag is a group of people trying to suck other people’s wallets dry. Here’s how I came to that conclusion. One night my Adam and I went to a Sting/Paul Simon concert. It was at the Amway Center which is where the Orlando Magic play basketball. But sadly they don’t win very often so there’s very little magic happening in that arena. Adam is a big Paul Simon fan, this was his 6th time seeing him live, which is nothing compared to how many times he’s seen Bruce Springsteen. He’s seen “The Boss” play about 25 times. And he’s not even from Jersey. He’s one of those fans that knows every word to every song and sings at an inappropriately loud volume. I always think, by singing so loudly you actually drown out the guy’s voice you paid $200 to hear.  It makes no sense to me, but a lot of things don’t make sense to me. Like Paris Hilton. Does she really talk like a whiny 4 year old or is that her ‘stage voice?”  It hurts my ears. Sorry Paris, NOT hot. You know what else makes no sense to me? Why do we say, “a pair of pants” when we’re only referring to one pair of pants? Yeah, there are 2 leg holes, but we don’t say, “I really need a new pair of legs holes.” Has anyone else ever thought about that? Probably not. But now you will. You’re welcome.

So about halfway through the concert we were thirsty so we went to buy water. The woman said to us, “I just want to let you know first that a bottle of water (small bottle mind you) is $6.75. I’m like, what!?!  Is the water blessed by the Pope or something?  (Side note, I do really dig this current Pope, he’s a very cool Pope as far as Popes go) Anyway, the woman was very nice to warn me before I actually purchased it, but I was really thirsty. I started to go on my rant about how ridiculous it was, Adam just wanted to get back into the concert so he said he’d actually pay double what the water cost for me to stop talking and just take the damn bottle.  Over the years he probably would’ve paid a small fortune for me to stop talking in various situations.  I did get one question in which was, who’s responsible for jacking up the price?  The woman said it was the concert promoters who often consult with the artists themselves. That’s when I got pissed.  You mean to tell me Sting and Paul Simon think it’s ok to charge almost 7 bucks for a bottle of water?  Does Sting need the money for extra yoga mats?  Maybe he wants to get in even better shape so he can have tantric sex for 4 days straight instead of 3!  And does Paul Simon need the cash to put higher lifts in his shoes?  I swear, I don’t know how tall he is but on stage he looked about 4’ 10”.  At best.

All that aside, the concert was great. And if Sting is using the extra money for yoga mats, at least it’s working. He makes 60 look like it really is the new 30. You could bounce a quarter off his ass.

But whoever’s responsible for this inexcusable thirst thievery, you are the douchebag of the day.