Today’s douchebag, or potentially douchebags, are the people that make the rice cakes I buy at Whole Foods. The name of the brand is escaping me, but my anger isn’t. I’ve recently gone gluten free for health reasons. And I can assure you it’s not because Gwyneth Paltrow told me to on her website, Goop. She also recently told people that if they’re in LA, they should go to this place where they can steam clean their vagina. Sorry Gwyneth, if I’m getting something steam cleaned it’s going to be an area rug, not my vagina.  I know she and her ex-husband Chris Martin said they ‘consciously uncoupled,’ but my guess is that he consciously ran the fuck away from that crazy bitch.

But back to the rice cakes. The reason I’m so annoyed (besides the fact that most things annoy me) is that this is the 3rd time this happened. I go to open the rice cakes which have become a staple in my gluten free diet.  I know some people say after a few weeks of cutting out gluten they don’t even miss it.  I’m not one of those people.  If a basket of hot, fresh bread comes to the table at a restaurant, I still want to stick my face in it and motorboat the hell out of those warm rolls.  Anyway, I go to open the rice cakes, and much to my dismay, the plastic seal around the cakes was already broken.  I’m a child of the 80’s, and I remember all too well a Halloween or 2 where the fear of God was instilled in me. My mom must have said about a million times, ‘only eat the candy that’s properly wrapped!!’  There was this scare going around that there were razors in some of the candy. It was so frightening, even more frightening than my neighbor who every year dressed up as a slutty nun. Let’s just say the size of her habit, was better suited for a hobbit. I managed to live through “razor-gate,” but every time I buy a food item that looks like it could’ve been tampered with, I fear the end is near.

The only thing saving me from thinking I might get poisoned is that the rice cakes have another plastic wrap over the broken plastic seal. Granted the outside plastic is just tied up, and any lunatic could easily open it and tie it back up, but I choose to ignore that fact. The bottom line is, people risk their lives all the time.  Some climb the highest mountains, others jump out of planes, some race cars up to 200 mph. Me…I eat partially opened packages of rice cakes.  This gluten free thing has really brought out my dangerous side. Before you know it I might even start trying those free samples they leave out at Whole Foods for any serial killer to tamper with.

Rice cake people, you and your pitiful packaging are the douchebags of the day.