Today’s douchebag is David Letterman’s beard. It basically looks like a giant rat took residence on his face, aged 20 years, then died. I saw a one on one interview with him not too long ago, and he said, for all the years he did his talk show he had to shave everyday. So as soon as he retired he vowed he wasn’t going to shave anymore. I’m not sure he also vowed to look like an underfed Sasquatch, but this is how he chose to move forward. 

For the record, I’m a huge Lederman fan. I love his sense of humor, I loved his show, and I think he has more talent in his smallest toe than Jay Leno does in his giant chin. But his post-show rodent face leaves me extremely perplexed. And my response to his ‘hardship’ of having to shave every day is this. Try being a woman. 

First, let’s compare surface area. A guy shaving his face is basically equivalent to a woman shaving 2 knees. OK fine, maybe 2 knees and an armpit. Think about all the surface area that leaves. And it’s something that just has to get done. Do you remember that song John Mayer had a long time ago called, “Your body is a wonderland?” Notice the name of the song wasn’t, “Your body is an overgrown jungle.” Not that I particularly care what John Mayer thinks, although it is interesting that he’s dated Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, just to name a few. He hasn’t had too many big hits lately, there’s got to be something else big that we don’t know about.

So back to Letterman and his sob story. Forget about shaving, let’s talk about waxing. So Dave is complaining about taking a state of the art razor to his face vs. hot wax being placed on an extremely sensitive area of the body, then being ripped off aggressively along with all the hair once innocently attached deep below the epidermis. I spent many years in advertising working on the Gillette account so I happen to know they put even more research and development into making those razors than the Kardashians put into making their faces. So we’re comparing a very comfortable, user friendly razor to what could be considered some sort of torture. Sorry Dave, I have about as much sympathy for you as I did for my daughter who “really wanted” an 11th gummy bear after she already had 10. None.

I’m not even going to start in with the laser hair removal option, but let’s just say it’s really expensive so one might have to choose between a hairless vagina or a new stove. I mean, a girl’s gotta eat. So like I said, since I am a Letterman fan, Dave, I will refrain from making you the douchebag of the day. But since that beard makes you look like a creepy Santa Claus who slides down people’s chimneys for the wrong reasons, the beard IS in fact the DB of the day.