I’ve mentioned before that the only thing worse than my driving skills is my sense of direction. Those combined make me a detriment to myself and frankly, anyone on the road. It’s interesting to me how much people love their cars and driving. One of the reasons I loved living in NYC is there was no need for a car. You walk, which I enjoy, take the subway which means no traffic and great people watching, or you throw your hand in the air, a cab picks you up and takes you anywhere you need to go. Sure the subway platform can get steamy, and some cabs smell like a hairy post-workout armpit, but I’d still choose either over driving everywhere. Anyway, recently my husband took our daughter Disney. I go sometimes, but it’s sort of their thing. He works and travels a lot so it’s a great bonding thing for them. He obviously goes because it makes her very happy, but he enjoys it too. I appreciate Disney for what it is, but I like it in small doses. Like once every 3-4 lifetimes would be good.

So they were driving home from Disney, and maybe 5 minutes into the drive they got a flat tire. Adam called to tell me, and my response was, did you call AA? His response back was, while there are probably many recovering alcoholics that are capable of changing a tire, he did not in fact reach out to any of them. One thing that attracted me to Adam was his biting wit and sarcasm, except when it’s directed at me. Clearly I meant AAA, but he said that since they were so close, someone from Disney was actually going to come help them. I asked if it was going to be the genie from Aladdin granting him a wish of a new tire. He said yes, once the genie finishes up at his AA meeting, he’s gonna head over. My husband’s an asshole. But I love him.

My car is leased, so the next morning I dropped it off at the dealership so they could fix/replace the tire. I had a loaner car for the day which my daughter pointed out was “so clean mommy.” My car looks as if someone’s been living in it for an extended period of time. Later that afternoon I go to pick it up, and they tell me they were able to fix the tire. I said great, but before i left I asked the guy exactly when my lease is up. He looked up my file and said while it’s not up yet, he might be able to swing getting me something new sooner than later. He took forever to find the guy I needed to talk to, finally he did but the computers were down. At that point I’d eaten one of each of the available snacks in the waiting area, so I told him we’d chat about it another time. I was about to ask where my car was when another guy came over and said, I’m sorry, but someone checked your car again, and it turns out the tire is not actually safe, we need to install a new one. OK, so had I not stayed around inquiring about a new car, I would’ve driven off with a fucked up tire. Again, I’m a below average driver with 4 good tires, 1 tire down, I don’t stand a chance. But all kidding aside, it was really dangerous and disturbing, which is what Adam thought when he called them and as he said, “went nuts.” I don’t know what he said, but when I picked up the car the next day they didn’t charge me a dime and apologized profusely.

Sorry Lexus people, you dick around when it comes to my driving, you’re definitely the douchebags of the day.