I’m going to have to do things a little different today. Yes, I’m still going to present a rant filled with plenty of inner rage and expletives, but I’m going to have to rename the title, douchebag of the day. Why? It’s my daughter. So just for today’s purposes, let’s call her, the “silly goose of the day.” God, it sounds so ridiculous coming from me. I’d be the world’s worst kindergarten teacher.

I know potty training is a different experience for everyone. For Lily, once she finally decided she was ready, going “pee pee” went relatively smoothly. Pooping however was a different story. She just wouldn’t do it. I tried the sticker rewards, M&M rewards, hell, I was ready to offer up a Barbie dream house at one point. Nothing was working. My sister told me to stay home one whole day and not to put a pull-up on her, she’ll be forced to eventually go. So I did, and here’s what happened. We were playing on the back patio, I went inside to get something, and when I came back there was a pile of poop sitting there right next to the play doh ice cream maker. Sadly we don’t have any brown play doh or a dog so I immediately knew what it was. It’s a touchy subject, so I calmly asked, Lily, why did you go poop on the ground? Her answer was simple, she said, I didn’t have a pull-up on. My sister asked, didn’t she feel weird that she just pooped on the floor? My friend asked if she cares that all her girlfriends wear cute princess underwear and she doesn’t. You know that expression, zero fucks given? That’s my daughter. I love her confidence, but it’s work. My mother-n-law always said to me, don’t worry, nobody walks down the aisle in a diaper. Although, growing up a neighbor of mine got remarried at 87, and she gave birth to 6 kids, my guess is there was some sort of absorbent undergarment involved.

One day, out of the blue, Lily decided it was time, she pooped in the potty and the rest is history. A few days later she was on the potty, and when she poops she likes to either read a book, or sometimes she’ll bring one of her princesses with her. Anyway, she did her business and I heard her flush. A minute or so later I came over to see how she was doing only to find that the toilet water was cascading out of the bowl, flooding my floor. My husband was out town which was fine because with stuff like that he’s as useless as a tree branch. I futzed around a bit and finally got the water to stop. The damage was done though, with all the toilet water on the floor, if for some reason Lily were to regress and poop on the floor it would’ve been oddly appropriate.

I tried plunging with no success. Shit gets real when you gotta start plunging a clogged toilet. Literally. My friend gave me the name of a plumbing service, the earliest they could come was the next day. So that was fun. The guy finally came and got right to work. 10 minutes went by and there was an inordinate amount of noise coming from the bathroom. I was concerned, but then he came out and said he had fixed it, but his guess was that there was a foreign item down there, and judging from the surroundings he guessed it was a toy. I told him his hunch was probably correct. If Rapuzel thought being locked in that tower was bad, that bitch was in for quite a wake up call. I love my kid more than anything in the world, but you put toys down the toilet, you’re gonna be the “silly goose of the day.” Don’t worry, next time we’re back to douchebags.