I think I’ve mentioned before that I currently live in a swamp. And by swamp I mean Florida.

My husband (Adam) and I were going out to dinner on Saturday night. Everything was going well, in fact, I had my hair down for the first time in possibly 2 months, and had on cute underwear that goes way too far up my ass to wear on a weekday. We got in the car, started driving, and suddenly Adam stopped the car and screamed as if he saw a ghost. It wasn’t a ghost, it was a big fucking frog that decided to leap into our Lexus. Adam immediately opened his door and frantically began to “shoo” this swamp creature out of our car. I will admit, it was pretty amusing watching my ‘guy’s guy’ husband have a total girly freak out. And for the rest of the night I called him Adaline which was fun. But seriously, who finds a frog in their freakin car?! People who live in a swamp. That’s who.

Now you’re probably not going to believe the next part of this story because of the timing, but even I couldn’t make this shit up. So the next morning it was early and I had to pee. I drink an inordinate amount of water therefore peeing at 5am is a common occurrence. I stumbled into the bathroom, did my business, still half asleep, grabbed the toilet paper roll (the toilet paper holder has been broken for months. I’m one of those people who just learns to deal with things when they’re broken. In one of my early NYC apartments I once sat in the dark for several months because the light switch was broken and my super had disappeared. It was strangely calming and gave me a new appreciation for the Amish) Anyway, it was still pretty dark in the bathroom when I went to grab the toilet paper. As I lifted it I quickly realized there was something sitting on it, more specifically, a lizard. WTF? Why are these swamp creatures invading my personal space? Has this lizard decided that taking a shit on the grass is too primitive for him? Am I going to find him next on my reclining chair enjoying a cold beverage? It was way too early for me to deal with swamp life, so I got back in bed, woke Adam up and told him what happened. His response was, you really have to keep the doors closed. That infuriated me because truthfully there are an insane amount of lizards outside my house and just walking in and out is an open invitation for these rugged reptiles to invade my space. So I suggested to Adam that I somehow acquire magical powers that allow me to teleport myself in and out of the house so I don’t have to open the door. His response was, just like the swamp life, it was also too early for my sarcasm. In my opinion it’s never too early for sarcasm.

Given that within a 12 hour period, I was unexpectedly faced with 2 reptiles in my natural habitat, not theirs, Florida is today’s douchebag of the day. And for the record, I get it’s sunny here, but right now I thinking it should be, Florida. The Swamp state.